As the thrills and spills of the White’s inaugural season come to end, sports writer of the year Archie McSquinty pens his review of this year’s Golden Spooners.
Andrew ‘the gaffer’ Bowen (Manager): Striker and master strategist
Born with 2 left feet and head like a 50c piece, AB sealed the wooden spoon for the Whites with a backwards header on the goal line in the last game of the season. His crossing left foot has hit many a parked car St James Park but his shooting left foot found its range more than once, a cracker in the 1-1 home draw with Balgownie being the pick of the bunch. Commendable effort with logistics and administration all season Gaffer seems to talking an octave higher of late following a 3 yard volley in the plums from team mate and lifelong friend Hucky.
‘Mr 21’ Les Coleman (Capt): Midfielder/Defender and ex-town-crier
A late arrival to the club, Mr 21 was handed the captains armband after demonstrating his deafening voice in training. Offering encouragement and abuse in equal portions it’s not hard to spot him on the park despite his lack of ability with the ball. Bagged 6 goals this season giving him a strike rate that makes Ravi Bopara look like Donald Bradman having taken approx 45,869 shots to reach this tally.
‘Goalie’ Glenn Paull: Keeper/Defender and part-time radio voiceover man
Press-ganged into playing keeper at the start of the season Goalie Glenn put in a string of first class performances throughout letting in a mere 50 goals in 17 matches. Often vocal in half-time team talks and never one to flinch in the challenge, Goalie Glenn has been kicked in the head, punched in the mouth, stood on, elbowed and body checked a million times this season. Apart from random blackouts and the onset of an involuntary twitch in his left eye there have no long lasting effects.
“Speedy” Glen Cahill: Defender and local historian
Cahill knows everything and everyone in Coledale from 1826 to the present day. Unfortunately he doesn’t know the rules of football but this hasn’t hindered his progress from novice to accomplished fullback in his first full season. No goals for Speedy despite him having the ‘hardest shot in the world’ as stated by Goalie Glenn, you get the sense this could change next season...the question is ‘in which end?’
‘Hand Ball’ Dave Fildes: Defender and ex-musketeer
From the school of hard knocks in the England’s Black Country, Dave was brought up on a diet of ‘backs to the wall’ defending pioneered by the England national team of the late 70’s and early 80’s. Clearly happiest under pressure, if the opposition can’t break through our back four Dave’s always around to lend a hand and foster that siege mentality he knows and loves. 4 penalties, 7 hand balls and a cracker of an own goal this season, Dave has already received 2 nominations from opposition teams as their player of the season, acknowledging his contribution to their campaign.
Jon “no keys” O’Neil – Defender and former playboy
Stalwart of the back four, Jon is never afraid to play with flair often electing for a Ronaldo-esq step-over and Cruyff turn rather than a simple blast up the park. This tactic firmly installed Jon as the architect of many an opposition attacking move and ensured excitement followed him where ever he went. No goals this season despite countless raids from defence, his finest hour coming during a physical midweek encounter with Russell Vale when he managed to cripple a hill-billy 7 times his own bodyweight with a single kick to the knee.
‘Quiet’ Alan Oliver: Defender and spoon maker
An almost silent defender, Alan recovered from a stretching injury in pre-season to establish himself as a regular in the left fullback slot. 100% defender on the paddock on Saturday arvo, get him along to training and stick a pair of tracky daks with elastic ankles on him and watch him turn into Ronaldo. 4-4-2 magazine recently reported that Whites sponsor are looking into the development of a polyurethane pair of maroon tracky daks for next season to help Al transfer this form to the pitch.
Kirk ‘Sick note’ Seddon: Defender and Austinmer’s own ‘Funky drummer’
His appearances limited this season; Sick Note has had more injuries than Johnny Wilkinson. After an extended layoff due to a freak drumming accident he returned to training in late July full of promise but pulled a hamstring fastening his boot laces and is still on the treatment table now.
Mick ‘the wanderer’ Scanlon: Defender and medical pioneer
Making only a cameo appearance Mick’s wandering style was welcomed by every winger he marked. He left the Whites early in the season to take up a part-time role at Uni which afforded him the time needed to further his work campaigning to have all keepers wearing protective head gear and automatically airlifted to St Vinnie’s private by the Westpac chopper when tackled above waist height....the IAFA have yet to vote on this revolutionary idea.
Michael “Mitty” Mittwollen: Utility player and mathematically challenged gambler
Have-a-go-hero Mitty will play anywhere you ask him and give his all. One of the worst punters in the world, his persistence paid off this season when 39 hrs of training, 12 hrs of game time, $517 in petrol money and a $200 rego fee saw him win a $5 bet with his son. Owner of a hat collection to rival Little Steve’s ragamuffin style head gear, Mitty is also the only play in the league capable of landing a throw-in at his own feet.
Trevor “Old Man” Deeming – Defender and part-time snag burner
As the oldest player in the history of the Whites Trev never moves too quickly on the park, but his Peter Crouch-like physique means he can stand on the penalty spot and tackle a player anywhere in the 18 yard box thanks to a world record 14 metre leg-span. This was often used to great effect deflecting Dave’s clearances off the goal line.
Doug ‘hardman’ Hamill: Midfielder/Defender/Keeper and part-time assassin
Doug has done much to pioneer the use of ancient Sumo wrestling techniques in football in recent years, living life by the famous motto “if you can’t reach the ball, squash him”. Having spared us all the site of his arse early in the season with a goal at IFS, Doug has progressed backwards from midfield to defence and finally to between the sticks where he has worked tirelessly on his banana goal kicking. Despite his time in goal Hamill still finished head and shoulders above everyone in the yellow card competition this season.
‘Laidback’ Phil Lally: Defender/Midfielder and woolly jumper collector
Arriving for each game in a vintage motor and trademark woolly jumper, Phil goes about his business on the park with minimum fuss. So much so he played the first 16 games of season on the left before pointing out he was right footed. Asked why he played on the left the reply came back “because you told me to”. That kind of compliance is a manager’s dream and Phil’s attitude has been rewarded with a new contract which has a hair band allowance included so he can see where he’s running next season.
Andres “Scarface” Tamayo-Uribe: Midfielder and ‘dentist’
Bringing a touch South American magic to the field Andres is blessed with the ability to swear at refs in a language they don’t understand and makes the most of this after every tackle. Fancy feet in the mould of Maradona, he can turn any player inside out and then rely on his blistering pace to take him away from danger. With a personal best of 23 seconds in the pre-season beep test, he can accelerate from 0-12km/hr in just a shade under 4 minutes. Andres’ season was cut short when he returned to his native Columbia to stock up on ‘dental supplies’ for his ‘business’ in the Gong, those in the know are taking bets on whether or not he’ll make it back through customs this time round.
Michael ‘slugger’ Charles: Midfielder and secret ultimate fighting competitor
Housewife’s choice Charles has the boyish looks to make every tuckshop mum swoon, but stick a Whites shirt on him and watch the beast come alive! A quick fire start to the season saw Slugger get himself on the score sheet a few times, but with the goals drying up and Doug slipping back into goal he brought back the biff with aplomb in the latter part of the season. The media debate has recently focused on possible anger management techniques but White’s management is standing firm with their assertion that fire in his belly is crucial to his game...watch out for more fireworks next season.
Mark ‘stepper’ Groves: Midfielder and ‘cooler’ for Slugger Charles
Summed up best by Dennis the Motivator, Mark scares the opposition, mainly because he’s 9ft tall. Despite his height Groves has a remarkably short stride, taking some 375 steps running box to box. Always cool and collected on the ball, he stuck a couple in the onion bag this season. When the tackles begin to fly and Sluggers hands start swinging you can rely on Stepper to bring a calming influence to all around him, a great counterbalance to Hamill & Charles.
Grant ‘the trickster’ Bywater: Midfielder/Striker and former ballroom dancing champion
Blessed with the grace and poise of a ballet dancer; Bywater’s famous 470 degree turn never fails to fool everyone within a 5 yard radius...including Grant. Having donned the gloves for the second game of the season The Trickster quickly remembered why he never played between the sticks at school and has alternated between midfield and attack for the rest of the season, bagging a world class header from 3 inches in the Uni away fixture.
‘The Ponytailed Wonder’ Alex Kocatekin: Midfielder and maritime story teller
Unavailable for most of the season Alex’s boots remain whiter than white largely due to lack of action. Pele-style balls skills and a goal against the ‘Morons’ that will go down in White’s history, Ponytail can dominate any game for 8 minutes straight and then needs a rest. If he can avoid being kidnapped by pirates at work this summer he could make a big impression next season.
“Little” Steve Higson: Midfielder and tofu activist
A living paradox, little Steve is the only hippy in the world to lecture in business and commercial law. Taking this confusion with him in abundance onto the park every Saturday, he occupies a striker’s position when playing in midfield and plays at left fullback when ever deployed as a striker. Bagged a few this season down to his sheer persistence and uncanny knack of being in the wrong place almost all the time, rumour has it he’ll be doing a cheeky sideline in ‘local’ mushroom burgers and homebrew at the pitch side BBQ next season.
“Big” Steve Bynon: Striker and international schmoozer
Self-confessed Dragon’s tragic; Steve’s legs stiffen each week as the game progresses. Often playing out the last 20 minutes running like Long-John Silver, he pulled his season around with 4 goals in the last 6 games and a 14 schooner adventure before the Coledale derby which many believe could be the blueprint for success in seasons to come. If this turns out to be true rumour has it Bynon has negotiated a free liver transplant at the end of next season as part of his new contract.
Andrew “Hucky” Huckstepp: Striker and very slow fence builder
Tireless up front, no one has worked harder than ‘the Huckster’ tackling back and harassing the opposition defence. Ever present in the post training beer drinking, Hucky is the archetypal club man. The stats show Hucky has covered some 400kms on the paddock this season in over 3000mins of football in the centre forward position.....he managed 7 shots in total, none of which were on target.
Dennis the Motivator: Director of Football and ‘friend’ of Andres
A history of playing with the stars in the golden Stanley Matthews era, Dennis was offered a director’s role for an undisclosed fee after discussions behind closed doors with Andres ‘Scarface’ Tamayo-Uribe. Having attended just enough games to ensure his contractual obligations were completed and his agreed consulting fee secure Dennis’ appearances became few and far between. Underworld sources are believed to know Dennis as “The Don” and there have been unconfirmed sightings of him and Andres in the remote hills of Columbia viewing “real estate”.
Thanks to those who have rsvped for Friday night. To clarify some matters: Wives, girlfriends etc are definitely welcome. Food of an unexceptional bowlo standard can be purchased at reasonable prices and drinks will be available from the bar. There will be speeches but we are hoping to keep them to three or four hours in total length. DO NOT bring your sofas. They will not be admitted. You can however make the effort and wear a lounge suit or tuxedo but there were a few who turned up last year in jeans and T shirt and this resulted in only very minimal talk behind their backs. Frankly, wear a mankini (modelled right by David Downing) if that’s what makes you happy. We will attempt to have some music, dancing, whatever. We ask the recipients of the Player of the year awards to be humble and gracious. We realise the winner of the golden boot for highest scorer at the club will not be humble and gracious and will probably fall over on his way to the stage. This is the way strikers are. Deal with it.
