Friday, October 29, 2010

To get you in the mood for the end of season bash on Sunday.....




As the 2010 seasons comes to close it’s time to reflect on the high and lows of the second year in the life of the Coledale Whites and giant strides they’ve made.

After 6 weeks on the lash in South Africa, lambasting the French players revolt, heckling the English defence and learning how to play the Kiwi national anthem on a vuvuzela, sports writer of the decade Archie McSquinty came back to grass roots to catch the rest of the Whites season in the IAFA Masters div 2

We caught up with him to gather his thoughts.
“It’s been a cracker of a season for the boys in white, what a difference a goalkeeper makes eh?” said Archie, before providing some in depth analysis on each member of the squad.
Andrew ‘the gaffer’ Bowen: Manager & Golden boot contender Bagged a hat full of goals this year, mainly due to the hard work of his teammates. AB has been on devastating form in front of goal converting an amazing 5 of the 378 one on one, only the keeper to beat, odds on to score, couldn’t miss in a million years, ya Granny could finish it chances. With this record it’s nothing short of bamboozling that the lads keep picking him out with lovely through balls (although with Jon O’Neil as the second option for many games maybe it makes a lot of sense). Also got the right side of his odd shaped head on a cross against Fernhill for a headed goal...wonders will never cease!

Full of running and hassling every defence in the first half of the season, he tweaked a bollock in a pre-match chi-yoga stretching routine mid-season and has been hampered ever since, sporting a pair figure hugging ‘skins’ to keep his meat and two veg in place for the rest of the campaign and avoiding anything remotely strenuous both on and off the pitch.
‘Mr 21’ Les Coleman: Capt & Ginger SquirrelAnother mouthy season for the pommie captain, he tucked away the worst penalty of the century against Uni when his muffed effort took 4m7secs to reach the back of the net. Led by example all year, racking up another 217 shots off target and abusing his own team as much as the opposition. Residents in Scarborough knew the match was on every Sat afternoon when they heard “Just hold the f**king ball Steve!!” echoing along the escarpment.

‘Goalie’ Glenn Paull: Not a goalie anymore! Finally out of the sticks, GG has established himself as a stalwart of the back 4 this season with a string of solid performances. Playing in a more accustomed role his confidence has grown to the point where he can share his visionary ideas for team formation with insightful half-time contributions such as “the forwards need to stay forward” and “the midfielders should be in the middle”. Thank the lord for his clarity of thought and communication, who knows what would of happened if he hadn’t been there?

“Speedy” Glen Cahill: Defender, local historian....and part time striker?As we all know, Cahill knows everything and everyone in Coledale from 1826 to the present day.....we can now add to that a knowledge of football as Speedy has proved his positional awareness time after time this season, mainly cleaning up the hole in the back left when Rod gets board and goes for a wonder up front. Still no goals for the fastest O35 in Coledale but he did have a crack as a striker this time round and we could see more of him up there next season......when we’re short!

‘Hand Ball’ Dave Fildes: Coledale’s very own ‘Carlos Puyol’ and E-Bay championHaving topped the own goals and penalties conceded rankings by a country mile last season Handball was a firm favourite with any opposing attack last season, but his reputation has been turnaround this season with a string of dominant displays in a solid looking White’s back 4. His crowning glory was a scoring at the right end of the park for the first time, a bullet header in the away win against Jamberoo which almost broke his nose and left him slightly concussed. Missed the start the season with a run to Cowra following an amazing ‘e-bay win’, Handball has singled handed kept the player’s lounge bar open with a string of 8 can post match performances on ‘the hill’.
Jon “buns of steel” O’Neil – He’s a defender, not a striker!

Having been mistaken for James Bond several times ‘Jono’ decided it was time see if could shot as well as well as 007 and his chance finally came midway through the season. Actually several chances came....and went. Another 15 chances came in the following game....and went. Having confirmed for sure that he couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo, Jono slipped back into defence where his buns of steel and James Bond like looks made bugger all difference. Saved the best til last when he produced 3 cases of Corona on the last game of the season cementing his place in the squad for next term.‘Quiet’ Alan Oliver: Defender and spoon makerWon a spoon making contract in Victoria in the summer and missed most of this season as a result but still managed to maintain his athletic physique due to his strict training regime.

Kirk ‘the nearly man’ Seddon: Slowest winger in the world
Bounced back from a hernia sustained in a 15 minute drum solo last season to become a regular out wide for the whites this year. Would of made double figures on the goal chart this time round but a string of guilt-edged chances seemed to fall to his club-foot and each went begging. Finally got on the score sheet in the 4-1 romp at Azzuri when he ‘arsed’ the ball over the line.

Asked if it was intentional Seddon replied shouting “Ya what?, eh? I’m playing overing here I think, I dunno, I chase the ball don’t I?”


Trevor “Old Man” Deeming – Defender and tall blokeSaw much less of Trev this year but based on what we did see, he’s still very old and very tall.


Doug ‘hard man’ Hamill: Born-again defender and wrestler
Continued where he left off last season, mixing NRL, AFL and WWF with a hint of football for good measure. Doug found his calling at left back this year and should be in with a shout for player of the season. Collected the first red card in whites history against Shell City when, like Barry Hall so many times before him, he did nothing! No goals this year but did manage to steal the shirt off the back of the Bally left-winger during a spot of mud wrestling.


Keith “the student” McIntosh – Midfield dynamo and part-time Phil Lally impersonator

Snapped up in the pre-season transfer market Keith brought extra bite to the midfield and bagged a couple of cracking goals. His calm style was never ruffled by wild tackles and he used his calming influence to good effect keeping Kirk and Dennis out of the papers following a Mad Monday election party fracas. Several teams have been linked to Keith following his outstanding season but the lure of a new contract offer including a pre-paid mobile phone and 2 head bands has secured his services for another season at least.
‘Laidback’ Phil Lally: He can play anywhere!
Having discovered he’s actually right footed, Phil was deployed in every position possible this year, including on drums and Phil repaid the faith in his ability with 4 cracking goals. Had an image copyright spat with new signing Keith midway through the season which he won on a technicality resulting in Keith having to get a haircut.

Andres “Scarface” Tamayo-Uribe: Midfielder and ‘dentist’Following a tough preseason training regime Andres increased his match fitness markedly and can now cover the ground from box to box in under 2 minutes. His South American flare lit up several seconds during the season and he confirmed yet again he’s nothing like Maradona or Messi after contributing zero goals from midfield.

A constant source of wisdom, he explained to the team early on that “you can dress a monkey in silk, but at the end of the day, it is still a monkey” genius!Michael ‘slugger’ Charles: Midfielder and reformed hard manFollowing the ultimate fighting sessions during last season many feared for Charles’ ability to stay on the pitch this year, but a summer stint at anger management has served him well. Made the right side his own this season and even turned in some performances as an attacking fullback...whatever that is?

No goals this year but a glorious moment of skill in the home game against Uni, when after beating 2 men on the wing, he cut inside, swung in a Beckham like cross to the far post and shouted “Have a look at that, from my left foot!!” It’s the small victories that stay with us longest!

‘The Ponytailed Wonder’ Alex Kocatekin: Midfielder and Somali pirate hostageAfter a great preseason Alex took to the seas with a promise of being around much more than last season. We’ve never seen him again. “Little” Steve Higson: The everywhere manPlaying wherever he feels like, Steve has made the 60 yard snapshot his own this year and his 483 attempts on goal give him stats that would be envy of any Grid Iron quarterback. Selectively deaf on the pitch, Steve’s ability to miss everyone’s shouts for his attention have made him an icon in the service industry with waiters all over the world wanting to know how he does it.

Valiantly played through the pain barrier in the Mako’s away gain with a broken toe, cracked rib and the flu, he still managed a 45 yard punt at goal and kept something in the tank for end of the game when a lightening burst of pace secured him the front seat on the way home.
“Big” Steve Bynon: St George tragicAlan Shearer but without the goals, Steve leads the line tirelessly. Actually started the season with 2 cracking goals, which made a nice change. Realised a lifelong ambition this season seeing St George win the Grand Final and saved his best performance for the end of season drinks when he eat a flower and was last seen asking empty cars in the bowlo car park if they were a taxi.

Andrew “Hucky” Huckstepp: Mr consistencyPicking up where he left off last season ‘the Huckster’ missed every chance that came his way. Pushed into the back for ‘a change’ midway through the season he amazingly managed to convince the gaffer he was worth another stint upfront and the Whites are now looking into the possibility of getting his baron patch in front of goal in the Guinness Book of Records.

Stood up too quick in a pre-match warm up at Bally and put himself out for the rest of the season, Hucky has spent the last 3 months playing FIFA 2010 on the Wii in a bid get a shot on target next season.


Rod “the body” Higgins – Sweeper and professional blogger

Another new addition to the squad, Rod’s organisation at the back has been much welcomed.....mainly because the rest of the defenders didn’t actually know the rules before he turned up. Rod gave Alan a run for his money in the best physique competition this year after he went on a boot camp training course in Thailand midway through the season. The smallest centre back in the world, Rod dominates the back line without winning a single header, something that baffles many pundits.

A lively contributor to half-time talks, we all need to remember just one thing.....”it’s simple guys!”


Dennis “The Bear” Felgate – Keeper and champion drinker

Making the switch from Ice Hockey to Football should of been a challenge for the big man, but once he realised the goals were 5 times the size it was all good. Dennis has saved penalties, smothered one-on-ones and even caught crosses. As the season wore on Dennis got better and bigger, mainly because of the armour he started to wear. By the end of the year Dennis was arriving to games a full 45 minutes before everyone else so he had time to tape up and pad up before he could warm up. Finished the season with high expectations of a Hollywood style Mad Monday session and arrived at the Bowlo looking like Don Johnson’s Dad. Once he realised the team bus to Sydney’s glitzy bars wasn’t coming he got stuck into a amazing 23 beers and 7 radishes before moving on to the infamous Election Party, however all charges have been dropped and The Bear is clear to play next season

John Maccagnan – Striker & Slugger’s Bro

Snapped up in a pre-season transfer frenzy, John pulled a muscle tying his bootlace in game 1 and was out for 4 months. Came back for 3 minutes in mid-season before snapping a hamstring attempting a back-heel, John finally saw the benefits of pre-match warm-up. High hopes of him playing more than 3 games next year.

No comments:

Post a Comment